Dear Lucy[week of Feb. 2-5]

DEAR LUCY.

Dear Lucy,

My friend just “came out of the closet” and told me she was gay.

And that she liked me.

WHAT DO I DO!?
-straight up g.

Dear Straight Up G,

Tell your friend to BACK OFF YOUR VAG.

Seriously.

If she really wanted to be a friend,

She wouldn’t hit on you.

That’s just weird.

-xoxoLUCY.

Dear Lucy,

I really like this guy.

I hear he’s a player, and that he just wants to “smack that.”

But then he says all the right things to me.

What should I do?

-faux player love.

Dear Faux Player Love,

I think you should step into the water;

But with a million floaties.

If people are telling you all this stuff about him,

It’s probably true.

But maybe he’s trying to be the good guy for once and change.

Either way,

Be careful out there, and ALWAYS USE PROTECTION.

-xoxoLUCY.

Dear Lucy,

My friend wants to HIT THAT with me.

He’s trying to find creative ways to do it too, like hide and seek.

But I really don’t want to.

How do I break it to him?

-Hidden Lover.

Dear hidden lover,

Number one, as I always say: USE PROTECTON IF NEEDED.

Secondly, tell him to GET OFF YOUR HUMPS.

Unless you really REALLY love him, DON’T DO IT.

Yep.

That’s all.

Stay safe whore.

-xoxoLUCY.

Dear Lucy,

I feel like I am perfectly fine on advice,

But really, I need help.

Where can I find a mental institution?

-JONNYBOY.

Dear jonnyboy;

I don’t know where you can find a mental institution.

But I do know where you can get some weed.

That’s just as good as going to an MI.

-xoxoLUCY.

Dear Lucy,

My best friend likes my boyfriend.

My boyfriend cheated on me with her.

Who should I kill first?

-KILLBOY3.

Dear KILLBOY3,

Kill the boy first.

The friend can watch.

Then kill her.

Happy thoughts!

-xoxoLUCY.

Dear Lucy,

I was wondering if you could help me stop cutting myself.

-bloodyarms.

Dear Bloodyarms,

Cutting yourself is NEVER the answer.

Like, seriously.

Life can’t be that bad.

And if it is, suck it up!

You’re in this world for a REASON.

You don’t decide when you die, God does.

Get over it.

If you want me to, I’ll come over at take away all your sharp items.

See how frickin’ helpful I am?

You owe me.

-xoxoLUCY.

Dear Lucy,

I really like this girl.
But she doesn’t give me the time of day.

Everyone knows I like her,

But she continues to ignore my come-ons.

What should I do?

-Loverbound.

Dear lovebound,

I suggest stopping.

If things haven’t worked out already, don’t waste your time.

Stop obnoxiously barking up that tree.

I know there are more cute little fishys in the sea.

Good will fishing!

-xoxoLUCY.